Well it has been some time since I have used this site. Mainly right now I need to use this as a modem to get some things off my chest without feeling like I have any sort of judgement. Since I last posted I have been in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend since November of 2014. He joined the Navy and has since been moved to Washington State since 2016. About that time we started to discuss what was going to happen with us. He has a very strong sense that people need to live together before they get married, something he picked up from his siblings after multiple divorces on both sides, and while I was and am okay with that it meant I needed to move to Washington if we wanted to get married sooner than later. And the plan seemed to start to come together, it turned out that there was a school in Washington that offered my hard to find major and it was only a few hours from his base. So we started to plan, and it was wonderful I was saving up both for the move and for a car because mine was not going to be able to handle the mountains. It was just around my birthday in the summer, when we had a little set back and he decided to come visit because the distance, plus the literal time distance from Florida, plus the texting along with everything else was just too much and we needed to see each others faces and get some quality time in.
So on we proceeded with our plans after he left and I started to get my life ready for the move, letting my family know, letting my friends who did not know already know, getting my school stuff taken care of, etc. We found a town home that was small but big enough for us to grow into and it was one block from the school so I could just walk to campus. Since there was not much else available at the time we went ahead and rented it so we would not have to worry about it once I was there. Thanksgiving came and that's when my life took a shift for the worst. The day after Thanksgiving, my parents informed my brother and I that they were going to be splitting up, not divorcing, but we knew what was coming. It hit me like a load of bricks. What do you do as an adult when your whole life is dramatically changing. You are moving across the country in a month and your family is breaking apart. My whole life shifted in that moment. I thought 'what if I stay?' maybe that would change things for them. I was not sure how to communicate my hurt and pain. I feel like its different when you are an adult and your parents divorce. Like, when you are a child, you still have your whole life ahead of you. You can change and shift your perception of your family structure. But when you are an adult, you've only known one thing.. How do you move across the country to live with someone when you don't understand how a family works anymore.
So there's that.. Christmas came and I was getting ready to drive with my mom all the way to Washington. It took us about 4 days, and it was the longest days ever. We did about 13-15 hours every day and it was truly exhausting. But we got here and started putting our lives together. We got a bed and some stools and pretty much got our whole kitchen together. Priorities. The couch was the hard part, of course where ever we went the couches were either massively expensive or they did not deliver. So we had to rent a U-haul and get it moved over a mountain because that was the nicest, cheapest, new couch we could find. Then Matt left for an underway for a month. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Just being so alone that you only can sit there with your thoughts and contemplate all the life decisions I had made. It didn't help that I was still getting calls from my parents telling me about their marital problems. That time by myself was probably needed but it was difficult. Its an odd experience to go from having all this support and friends that have your back, to having no one. I still have not made a single friend. It hurts to want to make friends so badly but unable to speak up and talk to someone first. I am very anxious constantly and stressed beyond belief. And I take it out on Matthew sometimes, and I hate myself for doing that. I never want to think I am resentful towards him for moving out here. Because I'm not. I want to be here. I've just not been able to find a job, and I'm running low on money and I'm having to figure out my loans for school and figure out how I'm going to pay my half of rent plus utilities and my car insurance this month with the 200 some dollars I have in the bank. I have gotten interviews at places and followed up and no one is hiring, or at least not hiring fast enough for me to get a yes from any place. With my school schedule coming up I have restricted hours so a serving job is about all I can get and winter is the slow season, and I just don't know what to do. How much longer can I go on without a job? I need something to happen soon because if not, I'm going to have to move back home. My dad has helped me a good amount with my money problems but I hate not being able to take care of myself. I want to be that strong independent person that they raised and I wish I could do it all on my own right now.
Another thing that I have been dealing with is that friends who used to be friends are no longer there for me. And I have no one to blame but myself. I've noticed that I in the past four years have pushed people out of my life. I was very hurt by the church that I was going to and I took it out on everyone, including the friends who really meant some thing to me. I don't wanna dwell on the hurt that was put on me, but accept that fact that I hurt myself by pushing important people out of my life. The most important one being God. I haven't been able to really step into a church in a very long time. Even here where I know I could make new friends if I just went.. But I cant get myself to walk through the door. I am so disappointed in myself for being so distant and blaming Him for my faults and decisions. I tried to stay close but the further I pushed away from my friends at the church the further I let myself get away from God. I have this tattoo on my chest that reads, "All else will fade as you draw near" and I got it to always remind myself even when I got in a place like this that I could always come home. And that he would always draw near when I just put my worries aside and trusted him. I'm going to do that, I have to.I have to accept the missteps that I have made and work on fixing the mistakes I have made and the friends I have pushed away. I also need to thank a few people for being with me through the rough patch I've been through these past months and say something to those who I have should have been there for:
My parents, for still supporting me and helping me financially when I needed it
Megan Russo, you have messaged me every once and awhile since I've been gone and it means the world that you are being so kind, I know we were never super close but I have always looked up to you.
Jeanni, you were becoming such a good friend of mine and I pushed you away, I'm sorry.
Brianna and Eric, you guys are the greatest friends.
Josh Ciganek, for always accepting me and growing up with me and letting me go through my bad time and letting me know you were still there for me.
Janelle, my person, for being my west coast companion and best friend when I've needed someone to listen to me rant.
Kaylee, we started getting close and I pushed away, I'm sorry.
Alana Cabrera, for traveling with me to see your brother and letting me open up and opening up to me.
Nelson and Elizabeth Bou, I'm sorry I shut you out these past few years. You have always been steady friends and supported me even when I did know you were there.
Little Duck, you have known me when I was supporting you and you have supported me, I have watched you grow and I am proud of you.
Mikayla Mace, I should have been more involved with you a few years back, I always regret that I didn't get close with you and help you grow when I had the chance.
Erin Jeckel, for being the best almost sister in law I have ever had.
The Zichy boys, you were one of the best parts of my young adult life, I will always appreciate our friendships, I'm sorry I pushed away.
Matthew, for being my rock through this hard time, letting me take things out on you when I need to and understanding my pain and accepting me for who I have been and who I am trying to become.
There are many others that deserve recognition but it would take a much longer post to go into every single person. Just know that you are in my thoughts constantly and I wish only the best for every one.
Anyways, if anyone reads this, this is me. I am a broken human, only two people can put me back together. Me and God. And we are working on it. Please stand with me and accept me as I am and know that I am trying to become a better person with everyday.
So there's that.. Christmas came and I was getting ready to drive with my mom all the way to Washington. It took us about 4 days, and it was the longest days ever. We did about 13-15 hours every day and it was truly exhausting. But we got here and started putting our lives together. We got a bed and some stools and pretty much got our whole kitchen together. Priorities. The couch was the hard part, of course where ever we went the couches were either massively expensive or they did not deliver. So we had to rent a U-haul and get it moved over a mountain because that was the nicest, cheapest, new couch we could find. Then Matt left for an underway for a month. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Just being so alone that you only can sit there with your thoughts and contemplate all the life decisions I had made. It didn't help that I was still getting calls from my parents telling me about their marital problems. That time by myself was probably needed but it was difficult. Its an odd experience to go from having all this support and friends that have your back, to having no one. I still have not made a single friend. It hurts to want to make friends so badly but unable to speak up and talk to someone first. I am very anxious constantly and stressed beyond belief. And I take it out on Matthew sometimes, and I hate myself for doing that. I never want to think I am resentful towards him for moving out here. Because I'm not. I want to be here. I've just not been able to find a job, and I'm running low on money and I'm having to figure out my loans for school and figure out how I'm going to pay my half of rent plus utilities and my car insurance this month with the 200 some dollars I have in the bank. I have gotten interviews at places and followed up and no one is hiring, or at least not hiring fast enough for me to get a yes from any place. With my school schedule coming up I have restricted hours so a serving job is about all I can get and winter is the slow season, and I just don't know what to do. How much longer can I go on without a job? I need something to happen soon because if not, I'm going to have to move back home. My dad has helped me a good amount with my money problems but I hate not being able to take care of myself. I want to be that strong independent person that they raised and I wish I could do it all on my own right now.
Another thing that I have been dealing with is that friends who used to be friends are no longer there for me. And I have no one to blame but myself. I've noticed that I in the past four years have pushed people out of my life. I was very hurt by the church that I was going to and I took it out on everyone, including the friends who really meant some thing to me. I don't wanna dwell on the hurt that was put on me, but accept that fact that I hurt myself by pushing important people out of my life. The most important one being God. I haven't been able to really step into a church in a very long time. Even here where I know I could make new friends if I just went.. But I cant get myself to walk through the door. I am so disappointed in myself for being so distant and blaming Him for my faults and decisions. I tried to stay close but the further I pushed away from my friends at the church the further I let myself get away from God. I have this tattoo on my chest that reads, "All else will fade as you draw near" and I got it to always remind myself even when I got in a place like this that I could always come home. And that he would always draw near when I just put my worries aside and trusted him. I'm going to do that, I have to.I have to accept the missteps that I have made and work on fixing the mistakes I have made and the friends I have pushed away. I also need to thank a few people for being with me through the rough patch I've been through these past months and say something to those who I have should have been there for:
My parents, for still supporting me and helping me financially when I needed it
Megan Russo, you have messaged me every once and awhile since I've been gone and it means the world that you are being so kind, I know we were never super close but I have always looked up to you.
Jeanni, you were becoming such a good friend of mine and I pushed you away, I'm sorry.
Brianna and Eric, you guys are the greatest friends.
Josh Ciganek, for always accepting me and growing up with me and letting me go through my bad time and letting me know you were still there for me.
Janelle, my person, for being my west coast companion and best friend when I've needed someone to listen to me rant.
Kaylee, we started getting close and I pushed away, I'm sorry.
Alana Cabrera, for traveling with me to see your brother and letting me open up and opening up to me.
Nelson and Elizabeth Bou, I'm sorry I shut you out these past few years. You have always been steady friends and supported me even when I did know you were there.
Little Duck, you have known me when I was supporting you and you have supported me, I have watched you grow and I am proud of you.
Mikayla Mace, I should have been more involved with you a few years back, I always regret that I didn't get close with you and help you grow when I had the chance.
Erin Jeckel, for being the best almost sister in law I have ever had.
The Zichy boys, you were one of the best parts of my young adult life, I will always appreciate our friendships, I'm sorry I pushed away.
Matthew, for being my rock through this hard time, letting me take things out on you when I need to and understanding my pain and accepting me for who I have been and who I am trying to become.
There are many others that deserve recognition but it would take a much longer post to go into every single person. Just know that you are in my thoughts constantly and I wish only the best for every one.
Anyways, if anyone reads this, this is me. I am a broken human, only two people can put me back together. Me and God. And we are working on it. Please stand with me and accept me as I am and know that I am trying to become a better person with everyday.